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Bed Work & Life

I’m going hubby shopping (33)



Immediately Kathryn sets her eyes on her bundle of joy, she forgets the pains of a protracted labour. So she’s now a mother like her sister/friend, Alice? The Lord’s name be praised! Alice has been so lucky, having been delivered of her baby less than two hours after she drove into the hospital. Some women are just so lucky. But she’s grateful to God. The baby looks every inch like Dave.

That is the first thing the men noticed as they cluster round her. “It’s obvious I have a very strong gene,” Dave says proudly. James swallows hard. It’s only virile men that can boast like that. Not him.

He wonders if he can ever feel comfortable when issue of virility is being discussed. He resolves to do everything medically possible to become a real man. It will cost him a fortune, he knows, but he won’t be daunted. Kathryn, looking so weak, feels for James. She knows he’ll be hurting so much, listening to Dave’s talk. She glances at James and he looks at her that very moment.

She tilts her head ever so gently to assure him of her support. James understands. A smile flickers across his face. “You are so lucky, Dave. But I think she will resemble Kathryn as she grows older. Look at the well-sculptured nose. You ain’t so endowed. Moreover, it will pay you better if your daughter takes after your beautiful wife and your son takes after you.

That way, you have the best of both worlds,” James says. They all laugh. So like James when he’s in his element. “You’re right my man. You make real sense for once,” Dave says laughing. They all laugh.

It is a sincere laughter. “I make sense when I’m not drunk and lately, I’ve been living a teetotal…when I can afford to, that is. You must be a superman to bear my burden without grunting,” James says and they laugh again. Kathryn gives James a quizzical look and he nods slightly, indicating that Dave knows about his predicament. So they all seem to understand what he is talking about and are glad he is getting over the self pity. However, Dave wonders how his wife, Kathryn, got to know about something James told him just a few hours ago.

Is he missing something? He remembers the issue of his wife’s car key being with James and the fact that James knows that she had an accident. He feels very uncomfortable.

He will get to that later. Right now, he prays that when the truth of the paternity of Alice’s son is made known, it won’t erupt like a volcano. Alice’s son looks so much like him.

Only a blind man will not know that their family blood runs in him. Of course, it’s an advantage to James for those who do not know their secret, but not for those who know. Perhaps, only Alice is in the dark regarding James’ health profile. It will be best if she knows so that she will mind her steps. He will do that at the earliest given opportunity. It’s better to be prepared, like the Boys Scout.

A nurse announces that the new mother and her baby are ready to be moved to the ward. The men cluster around Kathryn as she is wheeled to the postnatal ward – a two-bed private room where Alice and baby are.

Alice and her baby are asleep. The nurses make as little noise as possible in order not the disturb them. They talk in hush tones as they make mother and child comfortable and then leave afterwards. Kathryn yawns and the men decide to leave to enable her catch some sleep.

“This is the beginning of sleepless nights,” James says. “Yeah, for all of us,” Dave whispers and kisses his wife. They check the babies in the cots and leave. About an hour later, Alice wakes up and is surprised to see that the other bed is occupied. It takes her a while to remember that she’ll be sharing the room with Kathryn.

“Kiki…Kiki…Kiki,” she calls out gently. Kathryn opens her eyes. “Boy or girl?” she asks Kathryn who is trying to sit up. “Mama na girl o,” Kathryn sings, and they both laugh weakly. “Na boy I get here o,” Alice says. “So we’ll swap then. You wanted a girl and I wanted a boy, remember?”

Kathryn says and they laugh. “Sis, you are very lucky. You dropped the thing in no time. Unlike me that saw my ears with my eyes! Labour pain no get part two. But the joy of having the baby in your arms afterwards, obliterates all the pain,” Kathryn says.

“You are right. But don’t think a short labour period means less pain. I’m sure the pain of 12 hours were packed into one for me. But we thank God. What if after all the pain, we have no babies to show for it? Now you know the pain of those who have still birth or lost their babies after birth. Let’s thank God,” Alice says. “You are right sis,” Kathryn says. Her mind is pushing her to ask Alice a very pertinent question. How she came about her pregnancy!

It occurs to her that Alice couldn’t have know that her husband couldn’t impregnate a woman. After all, she believes that her husband has children out of wedlock.

“How about James’ children with that woman?” Kathryn begins. “Do I care? I have my own child now. Let him go have a dozen more children for all I care,” Alice says. “Hmmmmmmm…what if he did not bear those children? What if the woman lied to him?” Kathryn says, trying for an opening to what she actually wants to talk about. “As if I care now,” Alice says.

“What’s the state of affairs between you and your husband now?” Kathryn tries another opening. “State of affairs? Did it change from what it was yesterday or this morning? I hadn’t seen him for days till I met him here in the hospital. In fact, I was surprised to see him here,” Alice says. “Well sis, there’s fire on the mountain o. I can’t hear this and hide it from you. I learnt James has issues and can’t have children,” Kathryn says, breathing out. Finally, she has it out.

“Was that what you were discussing in that discreet hotel…? You said what? He has problem with procreation? Who told you? It’s a lie. He had children from that woman,” Alice says as the import of Kathryn’s words hit her. She feels like cold water has been splashed forcefully on her face on a particularly dry harmattan morning.

Oh the other hand, Kathryn feels hot and cold at the same time as the scene in the hotel’s car park -the accident et al -plays out before her again. So it was Alice’s car in that car park after all?

What did she see? Did she see her with James? Who else saw her? What did she come to that discreet hotel to do? To meet with the father of her baby? They stare at each other, lost in their respective thoughts.


Dave and James perch on bar stools, sipping from flutes. They’re in a bar across the street.

They’ve had a very hectic day. It was after they left the women in the private ward that they remembered they had not eaten for hours. They were ravenously hungry and moved to the bar to have a bite. After the meal, they popped Champagne. Yeah, it’s time to celebrate. They’ve called members of their families and friends to share in the good news.

Dave’s parents are over the moon with joy. What a double blessing! It calls for celebration. “I can’t believe I’m a father now. It’s like a dream,” Dave says happily. “Yeah,” James squeaks and clears his throat. James looks up and regrets his earlier statement. The look on James face says it all.

“Hey, my man! I understand how you feel but you can’t afford to wallow in self pity. What you need is solution to your problem. Fortunately, no one will know that you have such challenge now your wife has given birth to a baby. You don’t have to announce to the whole world that…by the way, how come my wife knows about it? I just got to know about it some hours ago and couldn’t have told her. I know you two are not exactly kissing cousins, so you couldn’t have told her.

Who else have you discussed it with? You shouldn’t go about telling people…”

Dave trails off as he remembers his wife’s dented car booth, the fact that James knows about it and even has his wife’s key in his pocket. All the solid and liquid in James’ system travel downward in one fluid movement. Sweat beads appear on his forehead.

“Wanna ease myself,” he says, sliding off the stool. “Sure,” Dave says after James who is already heading in the direction of the loo. After easing himself, James leans on the corridor wall. Those questions from Dave ruffle him. How does a man skirt around such questions?

If he even succeeds today, will he keep skirting such questions in future? As he makes to join Dave, fluid rushes downward again and he goes back into the loo. After draining himself the second time, he musters courage and strides into the bar.

“Yeah….you were saying…” James says, perching on the bar stool. “Yeah, was actually wondering how my wife got to know about your secret and she didn’t inform me. I feel it’s strange…very strange.

To think you just told me about it when it has become public knowledge,” Dave says casually. He’s actually fishing for information. His mind is beginning to play tricks on him. He’s suspecting monkey business. James relaxes a wee. “It’s actually my most closely guarded secret. Apart from the doctor…or could the doctor have told somebody?”

James asks. “Doctor? Why would your doctor divulge your secret? To who? Of course, doctors don’t do such. They can talk about a nameless patient’s challenge,” Dave says.

“Sure…sure,” James strutters, frantically searching for another explanation. He creases his forehead, pretending to be thinking of how his secret became public knowledge and willing something to happen that will end the present conversation.

And something did happen! Fortunately, his phone rings and he gratefully pick it. If only he knows who is at the other end!


So much questions! I sure want the answers and more. If you also do, let’s meet here on Sunday.


Send your observations to: julietbumah@






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Bed Work & Life

Vagina wigs are newest fashion trend



Another day, another fashion trend that will make you question everything

If some of the finer points of New York Fashion Week have passed you by, don’t fret, we’ll fill you in.

There were floral prints, bizarre hair accessories and…vagina wigs.

Also known as a merkin, vagina wigs date back to the 1600s, when ladies of the night would wear them after shaving their hair off for health reasons.


The, er, brains behind this merkin renaissance is South Korean designer Kaimin.

Kaimin showcased a broad range of wigs, which are available in various colours, lengths and styles, so there’s something for everyone.

Describing the designs, Kaimin’s press release explained the merkins were created “to assist irregular silhouettes” and “to bridge the gap of hard versus soft.”

“Because the Kaimin collection has a huge central theme of pride in your body and your sexuality – although they are not mutually exclusive – we had a lot of freedom here,” creative director of Prema Hair, Dale Delaporte tells

“We really wanted to push the futuristic punk aesthetic of this season’s collection and having matching hair and merkins was perfect.

“We worked hard on figuring out the best way to get them made and to have them looking as natural as possible and the results speak for themselves!”

They certainly do.

Mirror, UK

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Bed Work & Life

Is your partner micro-cheating? Let’s face it, whose isn’t?



So your partner shows a fleeting interest in other men or women? Congratulations… you’ve probably picked well

Are you guilty of “micro-cheating”? I’d forgive you for having no clue, because I’ve now read about two dozen articles on this latest pop-psychology buzzphrase, which went viral last month, and I’m more confused than when I started. It refers, as far as I can tell, to seemingly innocuous behaviours that actually count as infidelity. But the examples given by dating experts range from wishing someone happy birthday on Facebook, which plainly isn’t a problem, to taking off your wedding ring before chatting someone up in a bar, which plainly is. (Does your partner talk about their ex too much? That’s micro-cheating. But what’s “too much”? No one will say.) Confusing matters further, micro-cheating apparently also includes things that are obviously signs that your partner is having an affair of the conventional variety. If he spends ages staring goggle-eyed at pictures of another woman on his phone, while you look grumpy on the other side of the bed, there are only two possibilities: either you’re posing for stock photos for magazine articles on relationship problems, or you’ve got a relationship problem.


Micro-cheating is an unhelpful idea, as the psychologist Justin Lehmiller noted on The Cut website, because it implies that feeling the tiniest attraction to anyone else is a red flag – a notion so at odds with normal human functioning that it sets a standard no relationship could ever meet. Beyond that, like the idea of the “emotional affair” before it, it seems destined to worry or reassure precisely the wrong people. If you’re needy and insecure, you’ll suspect your partner is micro-cheating when they aren’t – possibly even driving them away, creating the very breach you feared. Conversely, if you’re trying to avoid confronting the truth that your relationship is in trouble, you’ll take false comfort if your partner’s actions happen not to tick any boxes on the micro-cheating list.


The fundamental point is that what constitutes a “relationship problem”, surely, is defined entirely by the expectations of the people in it. So if you’re genuinely fine with your other half sleeping around, you don’t have a problem (although you should be alert to the risk that you’re deceiving yourself). Meanwhile, if you’re horrified by their wishing people happy birthday on Facebook, you do have a problem (though it’s probably one rooted in your anxiety). What some dating expert thinks is at best irrelevant and at worst hugely misleading.


One of the great insights of psychoanalysis is that relationships are never just a matter of whether two personalities match. We project our fantasies on to the other, then react with shock when it turns out they’re a real, flawed person – then, often as not, we leave to project the fantasy on to someone else. The problem with real-world relationships is that the truly good ones have bad parts and the truly bad ones have good parts. Deep down, you probably know which yours is. That’s not to say certain kinds of experts – therapists, mainly – can’t help you see what you already subconsciously know. But it’s a good bet that, without the aid of made-up concepts like “micro-cheating”, you do know.
Culled fromThe Guardian, Uk

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Bed Work & Life

Bossladies Nest 40: Valentine’s Day shivers




Jay had one of his worst nights in months. He had sat in the living room till very late and was going to his bedroom when he heard a sound emanating from Adele’s room. He stopped and listened. She was moaning from pleasure. He knew that sound. He had heard it numerous times. His wife was pleasuring herself again! This night, he wasn’t angry for he had realised that he caused it. For more than ten years, he had neglected his wife and family totally. He had kept mistress after mistress. Of late, he wasn’t discreet about it. He didn’t care if his wife caught him or not…and she did catch him a number of times. He dragged himself to his room. Sleep eluded him. He tossed and turned. Then, Debola crept into his mind. Where could she have gone? Or, could it be that she committed a crime and had gone into hiding? Why would the police be looking for him if she disappeared? He had confided in his friend, Tyrone, who told him to go to the police station and find out what happened.
That was the bit he didn’t find palatable. He had called Tyrone again and asked if they could go together.
“My guy, officially, I’m outta town. I travelled for business, but unofficially, I’m in town, cooped up somewhere with the lady of my dream. You need to see her. She’s beauty personified,” Tyrone had told him
Hmmmmmmmmmm! If only Tyrone knew what infidelity had caused him!
Anyway, they would meet at the police station at noon. Still, he was worried. Debola was missing. Who would have linked him to her? Who would have mentioned him to the police? Could Debola have been talking about him to people? Could Debola be missing truly? He knew that she could do anything, including feigning her kidnap just to lay her hands on good money. He felt very uncomfortable.
All he wanna do now was seek his wife’s face. He had been dealing so treacherously with her. He had to retrace his footsteps and return to the family he had neglected for years.

Adele got out of bed sunny side up. Last night went down well with Bolan. She capped it all with a solo gig with her adult toys in her room. She really went wild with herself and screamed in ecstasy as she worked herself into orgasmic state. Let Jay walk up the wall for all she cared, she thought, as she lay spent on her bed. Enough is enough! How could she be mourning when she lost no one? She shook her head in wonderment.
She didn’t believe she could be so happy. Only her children gave her such joy and put her in such positive mode.
This morning, she felt as fit as a fiddle. As she took her morning bath, she sang and wiggled her waist. It felt so good to be free of worries.
Today, she would go shopping. She hadn’t shopped in a while. She needed to update her wardrobe. She had handed down many of her dated wears to her young cousins. It was her annual end of the year ritual. She would pick up a few fashionable items in the shops and then come back home and laze around.
After her bath, she went to the kitchen and rustled up breakfast for Jay. No matter how bad he was to her, she wouldn’t allow him to turn her into an ogre. Her freezer was upside down. Things weren’t the way she left them. She cursed under her breath and shook her head.
She still found it hard to fathom why Jay brought in his mistress into their home and locked her out of the house.
She also wondered why the police came looking for Jay.
The security man had told her everything that happened – how Jay came back home with a lady, how the lady forced him (security man) to proceed on an unscheduled off duty.
The bit about the police coming to her house to look for Jay’s mistress riled her. Why would the police come to her house to look for her husband‘s mistress? Had she started giving people Jay’s address as her own? Anyway, she would get to the root of it all…but not just now. And the impostor had the guts to enter her kitchen and reorder things! Well Jay caused it all.
Despite her anger, she still made Jay a tantalising English breakfast. No one would accuse her of shirking her duties.
“What are you cooking dear?” Jay asked, walking into the kitchen.
Adele stiffened. Was that meant for her?
“Good morning, my wife. How was your night?” He asked again.
“Good morning,” Adele said without enthusiasm.
“How was your night,” he asked.
“It was very good,” she said jovially.
Jay swallowed hard. Of course, her night was good, that he knew.
“Er…em…er…we need to talk,” he stuttered.
“I’m going out now. We’ll talk when I’m back,” she said.
“Why didn’t you go to the office today?” He asked.
“I’ll still go,” she lied.
“Okay. It’s important we talk,” he said.
“We’ll make out time for that. How’s your health? You need to take lots of water,” she said.
“I’m much better. Yeah, I’m taking lots of water,” he said, swallowing hard.
He stood and watched her dish out his food and hurry out of the kitchen. He didn’t know what to do. He followed her to the dinner table and sat down as she set the food and left.
It wasn’t going to be easy for him to win back her respect, he knew that and was ready to wait.
Adele dumped the Jeans she wanted to wear and picked a not too casual gown. She had lied that she was going to the office. She had to wear something close to office wear.
Less than half an hour later, she was ready to leave the house.
“You look good, my dear wife,” Jay said as Adele moved into the sitting room.
A surprised Adele looked towards the dinning table where he was.
“Thank you very much,” she said, walking towards the door.
“Come back home early dear. I’m waiting for you,” Jay said.
Adele didn’t respond. She opened the door and walked out to the garage. She just didn’t understand the game Jay was playing. When was the last time he spoke to her like a human being? She couldn’t remember!
As she turned on the ignition of her SUV, her phone beeped. It was Bolan. She smiled and answered the call.
“My woman! Beautiful morning my darling,” he said.
Adele’s heart melted.
“Good morning my dear. How was your night?” she said.
“I had a very restful night my love. It was filled with thoughts of you. Where are you?” He asked.
“Just leaving home. I told you I’m going shopping this morning,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling. I told you I want to go shopping with you. Secondly, I want to ask you to be with me on Wednesday,” he said.
“On Wednesday? What’s happening on Wednesday?” she asked.
“Can I see you now? I’ll tell you what’s happening on Wednesday,” he said.
“Hmmmmmmmm ok, meet me at the mall. Will be there in less than an hour,” she said and ended the call.
She engaged the gear almost immediately and drove towards the gate. She had to move because she saw her front door open. As she was driving out of the gate, she saw Jay step on the porch.
As she drove into the mall less than an hour later, her phone beeped. It was Blossom.
“Babe, it’s been a while. How have you been?” Blossom said in her usual zesty manner.
She ignored the call. She wasn’t in the mood to talk now.
Bolan, ever punctual, was waiting for her at the mall.
The mall was crawling with shoppers. Bolan and Adele kept to the exclusive shops in the mall. That way, they avoided the crowd as much as they could.
Bolan didn’t allow her to pay for a single item she picked. It was strange to her for she was used to paying her bills.
“My woman, they’re my pre Valentine’s Day gift to you,” he told her as she kicked.
Oh Valentine’s Day! Adele couldn’t remember the last time she was happy on Valentine’s day.
As they left the last shop with bags of buys, Bolan smiled.
“What’s amusing you,” she asked him.
“Let’s go for lunch,” he said with twinkles in his eyes.
“Talk to me dear,” she told him.
He smiled broadly and said, “My office is a few minutes drive from here. ”
“You don’t mean it!” she exclaimed.
She had really not been interested in where he lived or worked.
“Just drive behind me and lemme show you my office. Then we’ll go for lunch afterwards,” he said.
Adele agreed. She had already told her hubby that she was going to the office. It meant she wasn’t expected home early and she also didn’t want to get home too early and be with him. He seemed to be in a talkative mood and she didn’t feel up to it. Time was when she always wanted to talk with him the way husbands and wives do. Not any more. They’ve grown so apart. She was used to him locking himself up in his room while she did same.
Bolan’s office was exquisitely furnished. It sat atop a massive four storey building in an upscale part of town.
Adele had a taste of what was to come when Bolan drove through a reserved gate and said something to the smartly clad security man who looked towards her. She guessed Bolan told the guy to allow her in. It was a private car park.
They took a private lift to the penthouse. A gorgeously dressed beautiful lady was at the office leading to a expansive, aristocratic office which Bolan took her into.
“You’re welcome to my office, my woman. Feel free dear,” he said immediately the oak door closed behind them.
Then, he drew her into his arms and cuddled her. She felt like she was being sucked into his being. He then led her to a stuffed leather chair.
Adele was shaken. She couldn’t explain what just happened to her. They stared at each other. Bolan tried to get himself together. The intensity of passion that passed through them a moment ago scared him.
He cleared this throat…

Debola could hear them arguing outside. Whatever they were saying had to do with her. She was alone in the room for the whimpering man had been taken outside.
“This is bad business. When Baba finished fortifying me, he told me that only one thing would make me vulnerable. My mother’s name is Ruth. He told me never to go near a Ruth. Also, blood from a woman’s monthly circle is bad omen for me. The cargo in there is a Ruth and I saw something like blood between her thighs,” a voice quavered.
“Haaaaaaaaaaa! Bad luck. And I’ve told chief it’s a done deal o. What do we do now? We just have to waste this cargo and hunt for another one ASAP,” another voice said.
“Just let me think,” the first voice said.
Inside the room, Debola, still lying on the floor, trembled…
Let’s continue this journey on Sunday!
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