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I’m going hubby shopping (36)

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James was furious. He charged towards Alice and suddenly pulled back. He snarled at her, “Who did you call a prostitute? Kiki?”

Then, his face transformed from anger to something Alice couldn’t just make out. “Gawd, I love that woman! If she agreed to marry me, I would have kicked you out of the house long ago,” he said.

Alice stared at him, mouth agape.

“Oh, you’re in love with your brother’s wife? Are they aware? If you had married her, she would still have gone to a real man to make her a mother.

Anyway, I didn’t set out to try another man. You pushed me out, an unscheduled tumble in the hay made all the difference…”

Alice realised she had gone too far. James had left home and hadn’t been seen in four days.

*****

Things are getting clearer for James. He doesn’t want to believe what his mind is telling him.

If his wife is disturbed about anything, who does she run to? Who does she confide in?

His belly churns. He turns to the bottles and made them his comforter.

*****

Dave had asked James for Kathryn’s car keys the day they left the hospital.

There’s no point pretending anymore. He had asked James how it got into his hands and he gave some lame excuse.

In the spirit of the season, Dave had not pushed further.

***

But James had worried about his supposed son, David. He visited Dave in the office one day after more than enough alcohol in his system.

“Bro, there’s something that has been bothering my mind for a long while. I’ve been wondering who made me a father,” he had said and Dave stiffened.

Dave was tired of living the lie. He had been discussing it with Alice and she agreed that they should manage the issue very well.

She felt sorry for James. She was ready to forgive him for everything he had done wrong. “Do you suspect anybody?” Dave asked.

“Yes bro…you! I suspect you’ve been stealing from me! The bitch! Do you know she’s a prostitute just like your wife? I loved your wife, I still do. She’s such a good lay, a pity she’s into that trade. We could have married…”

James stopped abruptly. “Gawd! What has he done? Oh no! Dave stared at him and asked, “What did you just say?” Within him, he didn’t know exactly what he meant. James sat down hard on the table. “Bros, I didn’t set out to tell you this.

But since I’ve said it, there’s no point denying it. So, you slept with my wife and got her pregnant?

I have a choice to call family members together and tell them this, but I will also be revealing to the world that I’m not fertile.

Very few brave men will do that and unfortunately, I’m not one of those few men. I don’t have the balls to say that. I have thought about it for long. My wife didn’t go out of the family. My blood runs in David. I’m accepting him as mine.

Thank you for hiding my shame. I really don’t feel as bad as I had felt before.

I contemplated suicide, I nearly killed Alice for this, but now, I think I want to go back to my wife. You know what? We’ve always betted on who will have a son first, I win, because I have a son before you. The rivalry between our fathers continues.”

Dave sat, stone faced. Was it a dream or reality? He shook his head and the thought remained. He picked his car keys and left for home.

*****

Kathryn had found it difficult to sleep since she had a heart to heart with Alice two days earlier.

They had been talking everyday on the phone since they got home from the hospital. Somehow, no matter the problem, they realised that the bond of friendship was strong between them.

She remembered the blood oath they took years ago, before she was admitted into the nocturnal business. Alice gave her protection and made her a bonafide member in their business locality.

They were together in Alice’s house two days ago and the issue of David’s paternity came up again. Alice had look her in the eyes and told her, “Sis, there are secrets you can’t hide forever, especially, when the facts are there, staring you in the eyes.

This is one of those secrets. I met your husband many, many years ago, before I got into the university.

He helped me into the university. We became lovers but lost contact when he graduated. We met again many years after, when James introduced me to him. We became very close but we were not lovers. We didn’t set out to make love.

This pregnancy was actually a mistake. I had gone to him to complain about James’ attitude. I was emotionally unstable that night.

Funny enough, he was too because the woman he loved and wanted to marry wasn’t encouraging him. By the time I got to his house, he was high on spirit.

Our mating then was two drunks’ way of wishing away their respective sorrow…by the way, I got to know that the woman that made him get drunk was you. So dear sister, here I am, you can kill me if you want.”

Kathryn felt like she would faint. “No sis, tell me it’s a lie!” Kathryn shouted. But alas, that’s the gospel truth. Kathryn wondered if she could face her husband with that piece of news.

****

Dave was livid with rage. He stormed into his living room with bloodshot eyes. James had been sleeping with his wife? And they pretended to hate each other? NO! Kathryn was playing with Angel, their baby.

She looked up when Dave entered and the smile froze on her face. Dave took some long strides and was before her before she could get herself together. He took the baby from her and smacked her so hard on the face that she sprawled on the ground, tasting blood.

“So, you and James had been making a fool of me? He was sleeping with you all these while and you pretended you couldn’t stand each other?”

He smacked her the second time and she saw stars. She stood up, blood on her face. “If you raise your hand to touch me again, I’ll carve your face and scrotum with a kitchen knife, I swear,” she said quietly. Dave stepped back.

That was a street voice. Whoever has such a voice is street savvy. Kathryn was grateful that Alice had confessed to her.

“Whoever told you that is right. I couldn’t have told you that because I didn’t want to kill your spirit. I didn’t hide my past from you but you didn’t ask me to list my patrons for you. That was my past.

The present is that you slept with my sister, your brother’s wife, and she’s had a son for you,” she said icily. “You knew all this while,” he said, slumping into a chair.

“Yes, I knew. I suggest we each live with our secrets, unless you want the whole family to hear about it,” she replied. Dave nodded, the thought of family members getting to hear about this abominable act gave him a migraine. That was about a month ago.

****

The guilt is becoming unbearable for Alice. She had thought she could live peacefully with her secret. But is it possible? No! James is back home, so it appears, and there’s seeming peace.

They seldom talk to each other when they are alone in the house though. Of recent, James always has reasons to be out of the house. At times, he may not come back for three nights in a row.

Mercifully, there’s the nanny, so Alice has company everyday except nanny’s off days. David is three months old and is just a mini copy of Dave. Everyone who sees him marvels at the resemblance.

Mercifully, they all believe that Alice’s son took after his grandpa. On this particular day, the nanny has gone to the market to pick up a few things needed in the house. Alice is alone with David in the house. James has not returned to the house in two days.

Of course, he calls when he feels like and asks after David. As the doorbell chimes, Alice thinks it’s the nanny that is back.

She goes to open the door, only to see James standing at the door. “Oh…thought you have your keys with you,” she says, smiling.

She has accepted the fact that he can come and go as he wishes. She makes sure there’s food in the house for him whenever he comes in. Since she has not started going for her business, she’s always been home, unless she takes the baby to the hospital.

“Lemme get a meal for you,” she says and disappears into the kitchen. “Where’s the nanny? Why is David crying?” he asks, picking him up from the couch. “Nanny went to the market. David wants attention. Will feed him after getting your food,” she replies.

“No, feed him first. My food can wait,” he says. “I fed him now. He’s not hungry, he simply wants attention,” she says, wondering why he’s sounding so nice.

After eating, Alice clears the table and washes the plates in the kitchen. David is sleeping peacefully in the room. As she turns, James is standing at the kitchen door.

“Come to me, my honey,” James says in a cool, calm voice. Alice takes a few hesitant steps and he pulls her into his arms. “Honey, thank you for giving me a son.

My blood runs in him. I know you tangoed with Dave. I ain’t gonna kill you over it. I’ve accepted my son, David. Fortunately, Dave gave me the weapon to nail him.

We’ve always had a bet on who would have a son first, he made me win him…funny right?

“I need you my honey. Right now, I feel the way I felt when I first met you.

Hope you’re healed enough because I want you to twerk your hips for me. I’ve missed you so much, my love,” he says, kissing her all over.

He picks her up and carries her to the bedroom.

THE END

*******

Hmmmmmmmmmm…can we say all is well that ends well?

My dear readers, thank you for being with me on this very long ride. It can only get better.

Send your observations to: julietbumah@ gmail.com

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Bed Work & Life

Vagina wigs are newest fashion trend

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Another day, another fashion trend that will make you question everything

If some of the finer points of New York Fashion Week have passed you by, don’t fret, we’ll fill you in.

There were floral prints, bizarre hair accessories and…vagina wigs.

Also known as a merkin, vagina wigs date back to the 1600s, when ladies of the night would wear them after shaving their hair off for health reasons.

 

The, er, brains behind this merkin renaissance is South Korean designer Kaimin.

Kaimin showcased a broad range of wigs, which are available in various colours, lengths and styles, so there’s something for everyone.

Describing the designs, Kaimin’s press release explained the merkins were created “to assist irregular silhouettes” and “to bridge the gap of hard versus soft.”

“Because the Kaimin collection has a huge central theme of pride in your body and your sexuality – although they are not mutually exclusive – we had a lot of freedom here,” creative director of Prema Hair, Dale Delaporte tells whimn.com.au.

“We really wanted to push the futuristic punk aesthetic of this season’s collection and having matching hair and merkins was perfect.

“We worked hard on figuring out the best way to get them made and to have them looking as natural as possible and the results speak for themselves!”

They certainly do.

Mirror, UK

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Bed Work & Life

Is your partner micro-cheating? Let’s face it, whose isn’t?

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So your partner shows a fleeting interest in other men or women? Congratulations… you’ve probably picked well

Are you guilty of “micro-cheating”? I’d forgive you for having no clue, because I’ve now read about two dozen articles on this latest pop-psychology buzzphrase, which went viral last month, and I’m more confused than when I started. It refers, as far as I can tell, to seemingly innocuous behaviours that actually count as infidelity. But the examples given by dating experts range from wishing someone happy birthday on Facebook, which plainly isn’t a problem, to taking off your wedding ring before chatting someone up in a bar, which plainly is. (Does your partner talk about their ex too much? That’s micro-cheating. But what’s “too much”? No one will say.) Confusing matters further, micro-cheating apparently also includes things that are obviously signs that your partner is having an affair of the conventional variety. If he spends ages staring goggle-eyed at pictures of another woman on his phone, while you look grumpy on the other side of the bed, there are only two possibilities: either you’re posing for stock photos for magazine articles on relationship problems, or you’ve got a relationship problem.

 

Micro-cheating is an unhelpful idea, as the psychologist Justin Lehmiller noted on The Cut website, because it implies that feeling the tiniest attraction to anyone else is a red flag – a notion so at odds with normal human functioning that it sets a standard no relationship could ever meet. Beyond that, like the idea of the “emotional affair” before it, it seems destined to worry or reassure precisely the wrong people. If you’re needy and insecure, you’ll suspect your partner is micro-cheating when they aren’t – possibly even driving them away, creating the very breach you feared. Conversely, if you’re trying to avoid confronting the truth that your relationship is in trouble, you’ll take false comfort if your partner’s actions happen not to tick any boxes on the micro-cheating list.

 

The fundamental point is that what constitutes a “relationship problem”, surely, is defined entirely by the expectations of the people in it. So if you’re genuinely fine with your other half sleeping around, you don’t have a problem (although you should be alert to the risk that you’re deceiving yourself). Meanwhile, if you’re horrified by their wishing people happy birthday on Facebook, you do have a problem (though it’s probably one rooted in your anxiety). What some dating expert thinks is at best irrelevant and at worst hugely misleading.

 

One of the great insights of psychoanalysis is that relationships are never just a matter of whether two personalities match. We project our fantasies on to the other, then react with shock when it turns out they’re a real, flawed person – then, often as not, we leave to project the fantasy on to someone else. The problem with real-world relationships is that the truly good ones have bad parts and the truly bad ones have good parts. Deep down, you probably know which yours is. That’s not to say certain kinds of experts – therapists, mainly – can’t help you see what you already subconsciously know. But it’s a good bet that, without the aid of made-up concepts like “micro-cheating”, you do know.
Culled fromThe Guardian, Uk

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Bed Work & Life

Bossladies Nest 40: Valentine’s Day shivers

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Jay had one of his worst nights in months. He had sat in the living room till very late and was going to his bedroom when he heard a sound emanating from Adele’s room. He stopped and listened. She was moaning from pleasure. He knew that sound. He had heard it numerous times. His wife was pleasuring herself again! This night, he wasn’t angry for he had realised that he caused it. For more than ten years, he had neglected his wife and family totally. He had kept mistress after mistress. Of late, he wasn’t discreet about it. He didn’t care if his wife caught him or not…and she did catch him a number of times. He dragged himself to his room. Sleep eluded him. He tossed and turned. Then, Debola crept into his mind. Where could she have gone? Or, could it be that she committed a crime and had gone into hiding? Why would the police be looking for him if she disappeared? He had confided in his friend, Tyrone, who told him to go to the police station and find out what happened.
That was the bit he didn’t find palatable. He had called Tyrone again and asked if they could go together.
“My guy, officially, I’m outta town. I travelled for business, but unofficially, I’m in town, cooped up somewhere with the lady of my dream. You need to see her. She’s beauty personified,” Tyrone had told him
Hmmmmmmmmmm! If only Tyrone knew what infidelity had caused him!
Anyway, they would meet at the police station at noon. Still, he was worried. Debola was missing. Who would have linked him to her? Who would have mentioned him to the police? Could Debola have been talking about him to people? Could Debola be missing truly? He knew that she could do anything, including feigning her kidnap just to lay her hands on good money. He felt very uncomfortable.
All he wanna do now was seek his wife’s face. He had been dealing so treacherously with her. He had to retrace his footsteps and return to the family he had neglected for years.


Adele got out of bed sunny side up. Last night went down well with Bolan. She capped it all with a solo gig with her adult toys in her room. She really went wild with herself and screamed in ecstasy as she worked herself into orgasmic state. Let Jay walk up the wall for all she cared, she thought, as she lay spent on her bed. Enough is enough! How could she be mourning when she lost no one? She shook her head in wonderment.
She didn’t believe she could be so happy. Only her children gave her such joy and put her in such positive mode.
This morning, she felt as fit as a fiddle. As she took her morning bath, she sang and wiggled her waist. It felt so good to be free of worries.
Today, she would go shopping. She hadn’t shopped in a while. She needed to update her wardrobe. She had handed down many of her dated wears to her young cousins. It was her annual end of the year ritual. She would pick up a few fashionable items in the shops and then come back home and laze around.
After her bath, she went to the kitchen and rustled up breakfast for Jay. No matter how bad he was to her, she wouldn’t allow him to turn her into an ogre. Her freezer was upside down. Things weren’t the way she left them. She cursed under her breath and shook her head.
She still found it hard to fathom why Jay brought in his mistress into their home and locked her out of the house.
She also wondered why the police came looking for Jay.
The security man had told her everything that happened – how Jay came back home with a lady, how the lady forced him (security man) to proceed on an unscheduled off duty.
The bit about the police coming to her house to look for Jay’s mistress riled her. Why would the police come to her house to look for her husband‘s mistress? Had she started giving people Jay’s address as her own? Anyway, she would get to the root of it all…but not just now. And the impostor had the guts to enter her kitchen and reorder things! Well Jay caused it all.
Despite her anger, she still made Jay a tantalising English breakfast. No one would accuse her of shirking her duties.
“What are you cooking dear?” Jay asked, walking into the kitchen.
Adele stiffened. Was that meant for her?
“Good morning, my wife. How was your night?” He asked again.
“Good morning,” Adele said without enthusiasm.
“How was your night,” he asked.
“It was very good,” she said jovially.
Jay swallowed hard. Of course, her night was good, that he knew.
“Er…em…er…we need to talk,” he stuttered.
“I’m going out now. We’ll talk when I’m back,” she said.
“Why didn’t you go to the office today?” He asked.
“I’ll still go,” she lied.
“Okay. It’s important we talk,” he said.
“We’ll make out time for that. How’s your health? You need to take lots of water,” she said.
“I’m much better. Yeah, I’m taking lots of water,” he said, swallowing hard.
He stood and watched her dish out his food and hurry out of the kitchen. He didn’t know what to do. He followed her to the dinner table and sat down as she set the food and left.
It wasn’t going to be easy for him to win back her respect, he knew that and was ready to wait.
Adele dumped the Jeans she wanted to wear and picked a not too casual gown. She had lied that she was going to the office. She had to wear something close to office wear.
Less than half an hour later, she was ready to leave the house.
“You look good, my dear wife,” Jay said as Adele moved into the sitting room.
A surprised Adele looked towards the dinning table where he was.
“Thank you very much,” she said, walking towards the door.
“Come back home early dear. I’m waiting for you,” Jay said.
Adele didn’t respond. She opened the door and walked out to the garage. She just didn’t understand the game Jay was playing. When was the last time he spoke to her like a human being? She couldn’t remember!
As she turned on the ignition of her SUV, her phone beeped. It was Bolan. She smiled and answered the call.
“My woman! Beautiful morning my darling,” he said.
Adele’s heart melted.
“Good morning my dear. How was your night?” she said.
“I had a very restful night my love. It was filled with thoughts of you. Where are you?” He asked.
“Just leaving home. I told you I’m going shopping this morning,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling. I told you I want to go shopping with you. Secondly, I want to ask you to be with me on Wednesday,” he said.
“On Wednesday? What’s happening on Wednesday?” she asked.
“Can I see you now? I’ll tell you what’s happening on Wednesday,” he said.
“Hmmmmmmmm ok, meet me at the mall. Will be there in less than an hour,” she said and ended the call.
She engaged the gear almost immediately and drove towards the gate. She had to move because she saw her front door open. As she was driving out of the gate, she saw Jay step on the porch.
As she drove into the mall less than an hour later, her phone beeped. It was Blossom.
“Babe, it’s been a while. How have you been?” Blossom said in her usual zesty manner.
She ignored the call. She wasn’t in the mood to talk now.
Bolan, ever punctual, was waiting for her at the mall.
The mall was crawling with shoppers. Bolan and Adele kept to the exclusive shops in the mall. That way, they avoided the crowd as much as they could.
Bolan didn’t allow her to pay for a single item she picked. It was strange to her for she was used to paying her bills.
“My woman, they’re my pre Valentine’s Day gift to you,” he told her as she kicked.
Oh Valentine’s Day! Adele couldn’t remember the last time she was happy on Valentine’s day.
As they left the last shop with bags of buys, Bolan smiled.
“What’s amusing you,” she asked him.
“Let’s go for lunch,” he said with twinkles in his eyes.
“Talk to me dear,” she told him.
He smiled broadly and said, “My office is a few minutes drive from here. ”
“You don’t mean it!” she exclaimed.
She had really not been interested in where he lived or worked.
“Just drive behind me and lemme show you my office. Then we’ll go for lunch afterwards,” he said.
Adele agreed. She had already told her hubby that she was going to the office. It meant she wasn’t expected home early and she also didn’t want to get home too early and be with him. He seemed to be in a talkative mood and she didn’t feel up to it. Time was when she always wanted to talk with him the way husbands and wives do. Not any more. They’ve grown so apart. She was used to him locking himself up in his room while she did same.
Bolan’s office was exquisitely furnished. It sat atop a massive four storey building in an upscale part of town.
Adele had a taste of what was to come when Bolan drove through a reserved gate and said something to the smartly clad security man who looked towards her. She guessed Bolan told the guy to allow her in. It was a private car park.
They took a private lift to the penthouse. A gorgeously dressed beautiful lady was at the office leading to a expansive, aristocratic office which Bolan took her into.
“You’re welcome to my office, my woman. Feel free dear,” he said immediately the oak door closed behind them.
Then, he drew her into his arms and cuddled her. She felt like she was being sucked into his being. He then led her to a stuffed leather chair.
Adele was shaken. She couldn’t explain what just happened to her. They stared at each other. Bolan tried to get himself together. The intensity of passion that passed through them a moment ago scared him.
He cleared this throat…


Debola could hear them arguing outside. Whatever they were saying had to do with her. She was alone in the room for the whimpering man had been taken outside.
“This is bad business. When Baba finished fortifying me, he told me that only one thing would make me vulnerable. My mother’s name is Ruth. He told me never to go near a Ruth. Also, blood from a woman’s monthly circle is bad omen for me. The cargo in there is a Ruth and I saw something like blood between her thighs,” a voice quavered.
“Haaaaaaaaaaa! Bad luck. And I’ve told chief it’s a done deal o. What do we do now? We just have to waste this cargo and hunt for another one ASAP,” another voice said.
“Just let me think,” the first voice said.
Inside the room, Debola, still lying on the floor, trembled…
##########
Let’s continue this journey on Sunday!
Send your observations to: julietbumah@gmail.com

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