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A deputy for your busy husband…

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It was supposed to be a day out with the girls but I could not make it because I woke up feeling very tired after sleeping for eight hours. I checked my sugar level and my blood pressure and everything was fine. Yet I was still feeling like I had two heads and my eyes refused to stay open. So, I had a long hot shower and dived under the duvet again, hoping and praying my friends would have so much fun at the party and forget I was not even there. For where? They came straight from the party to my house, in various stages of disrobing as they trooped into my compound.

Lamy was holding her head tie. Mofe’s skirt was in a clean-up-Lagos mode because her zipper was undone, Liz was trying to get out of her body-shaper unsuccessfully. Gbemi was holding her sunglasses but wear­ing flat casual slippers, instead of her six-inch things. I took a look at them and knew it wasn’t going to be a flying visit.
‘Hey girl, what’s up? What are you doing in P.J at 5p.m.? That was Lamy.

‘You are looking so dull and used. Abi o ti l’oyun? (Are you pregnant?)’ Gbemi is scan­dalously incorrigible. Why must she always think, like an old woman, that every sick fe­male is pregnant?’
‘I don’t think she’s pregnant. I think she is under-used?’ Liz has all the answers. That one is like those people selling drugs in­side commercial buses; one drug that cures a thousand ailments. Mofe was on her way from my kitchen, bearing a loaded tray.

‘Who is under-used in this age and time? I hope you girls know it is a sin to deprive yourself. You only live once, you know?’
‘Not all of us are married like you.’ Liz retorted.
Now, why would Liz pretend she is not married because she is and has been for 17 long years?
‘Chaaii, Liz, there is God o. You are mar­ried girl, taken, used and over-used by that handsome husband of yours.’

‘It is also a sin to talk about what you don’t understand. What is the essence of be­ing married if you can count the number of times you make love in a year, ehn? Tunji is so busy. He travels every week and when he’s in town, the business meetings make it look like he’s still out of town…’
‘And then when he gets back home, he simply falls into bed like a log of wood or does a two-minute man thing.’ Mofe com­pleted Liz’s sentence. Why is that?
Mofe’s husband is a politician and has been since 1999. So, how is she in a position to feel good about absentee husbands? She is the one who always complained and once went into de­pression because of inadequate sex. This new Mofe is totally new.
‘All right, Mofe, out with it. You were the whining one, the one whose factory was not allowed to function at fully-installed capacity. What is Otunba doing differently especially now that he’s following the president all over the country?’
‘Otunba didn’t change. I did. I found him a deputy.’
‘You did what?’ We all chorused, eight pairs of eyes threatening to pop out of their sockets.
‘Before you go into group cardiac arrest, I am not having an affair. I just got myself a few sex toys in my favourite colours to …’

At that point in time, everybody started talk­ing at the same time. How could she? Why did she? It’s a sin. It is not a sin. It is still adultery. How will a husband feel if he catches his wife with a vibrator? Oh and there are quite many varieties to choose from. Mofe insisted it is transforma­tion agenda of the new woman, whatever that means.

Babes, I must confess I heard things I thought I knew. I learnt a lot and it is not just about the beautiful colours and sexy names of men’s dep­uties. I learnt that more women than you and I know now have closets full of dildos and beads and rabbits. Women are taking care of them­selves because if they don’t, nobody will.

The women in their 20s are afraid of the ram­paging libido of hit-and-run young guys who have no intention of marrying anybody in the next five years. They just dazzle and cuddle for a few months, get her pregnant, do abortion and then move on to the next girl. With sex toys, her heart is not involved and so cannot be broken. She cannot be knocked up by rubber and so her vote is for the toy.

And there is the Adam and Steve situation. After 20 years of marriage, Adam tends to start seeing Eve as his sister and so she gets treated like Steve, not as a woman. As Adam gets older, his libido slumps while Eve’s need for sex climbs between 40 and 50. Poor Adam begins to pant when he can get it up but many days, his staff of office is on sab­batical. What is madam supposed to do? She gets a couple of rabbits to stand in for daddy.

The sex toy also comes in handy with men who leave their women half way to Paradise for all kinds of reasons. It may be age or health troubles but what is a warm blooded , able-bodied woman supposed to do, walk up the wall?

Absentee husbands and busy blokes like Liz and Mofe’s husbands also need deputies before their wives begin to climb scandalous things.
Sex toys are here, all over the place. Women are resorting to self-help to the cha­grin of their men and their pastors. I know born-again folks are casting and binding de­mons of sexual immorality as they read this but what are the alternatives to the demands of the flesh? Can’t she just make do with the chicken in the absence of the pigeon? If your wife has to choose between her toy and the gateman, what do you advise?

Now, isn’t this more relaxing than another long piece on Supreme Court ruling and who should be deputy governor of Kogi and whether the National Assembly needs air fresheners?

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Adam's Apple

Runaway dads: The plight of women

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The rate at which our young women are becoming single mothers is increasingly alarming. Apart from widows, it’s like we are having single moms almost at equal proportion to married women. And this unpleasant situation is a consequence of men and their irascible moral attitude. Many of them chose to be irresponsible, philandering and uncaring fathers.

I can’t count the number of single moms whose husbands just disappeared from home not because of any serious acrimony or domestic violence but because they wanted to explore their masculine potentials in a wrong way.

There are men who operate on-and-off schedule in their matrimonial homes. They stay away for days or weeks, lurking for free and available women with less or nil responsibilities to bear. Some of such men have initiated ‘secret’ family life with other women elsewhere while telling their wives they are in pursuit of business opportunities or on official tour of duty.

These are men on the fringes of abandoning their homes.
Surprisingly, many of these runaway dads abandoned their homes leaving their wives with the burden of taking sole responsibility for their children. They do so with callous disposition as if it’s the right thing to do. They stopped paying the rent.

They are not concerned about their children’s schooling, feeding, clothing and medicare. Any man relishing in this kind of unfatherly attitude won’t be blessed at the instance of the children.

Let’s agree they have issues with their wives and they opted out of the marriage unofficially, must they extend their grievances to the innocent children? Supposed the man is suspecting or questioning the paternity of the children, can’t he go for DNA to authenticate his claim? Leaving women alone to shoulder the heavy burden paying the bills is very unfair, wicked and ungodly.

Some men might have different stories to tell on why they quit, it’s very possible but I insist it is sheer callousness to abandon the children. Some men have told me about their move to have the children live with them without their moms. I told them it’s pretty difficult especially if the children are still of school age. No woman would trust a ‘strange woman’ enough to occupy her space for her children while she lives.

The way and manner some men quit the home on the pretext of prospecting for business or official trips wouldn’t encourage the women to trust them with their children. Some men had accused their wives of ‘trapping’ them with pregnancies even when they had no such plans to marry at all.

They might have tenable grouses with their women, yet, it’s no justifiable reason to burden the women with the sole responsibility of caring for the children.
A stock in trade with such runaway dads is that they tell lies a lot.

A clearing and forwarding business magnate abandoned his wife and two children barely six years into the marriage and went on philandering. When this incident happened in 2007, he was enjoying a big boom in his business.

She rented houses for a number of his girlfriends, bought expensive gifts for many of them. While the financial honeymoon lasted, he didn’t erect any building for himself. He lavished millions of naira on social life and emptiness.

As you read this article, his first daughter is preparing for admission into the university while the boy is also in SS2. He couldn’t send a dime for their school fees or upkeep in the last five years. This leaves his legitimate wife stranded, struggling to cope. Meanwhile, he is hibernating in a two-bedroom apartment of an older woman who also have two children for him apart from children from other women. From this man alone, our society has five single moms who are now struggling with life issues on their own. He lied to each of them to put them in the family way.

A network marketer was abandoned by her husband shortly after she delivered her fifth child. Barely three months later, he returned home to pick some of his personal effects and left the next day. He told his bewildered wife that “your mates are out there taking good care of their men. They even appreciate the fact that they are lucky to have men around them who make them feel good. All you know is to ‘breed’ children like a pig.”

When I contacted the man, his response was so weird and funny. Hear him: “Oga, I don tire for dat woman joor. I wan enjoy ma life small. With five children, wetin I go do to feed them? I dey where I dey enjoy. You don hear am before say man dey collect money for enjoyment? Na dat kind level I dey so.”

At a relationship forum in July, I advised parents to start grooming their boys to becoming men and from men to becoming loving, caring husbands and responsible fathers. It is not women alone that should be molded; men, too, need proper mentoring and grooming for future life. A well-groomed man won’t abuse or harm his wife. He will always have a sense of caution in his indulgences. It is then we can have a decent society that has value for home (grooming place for future leaders) and consequently reduce the spiraling incidence of young women becoming single mothers.

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Adam's Apple

Big babes, cold bedroom

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She has come a long way. She started small, very small in fact but life has been kind to her. She has found favour with God and man. Today, the young awkward marketing executive is the Chief Operating Officer of a multi-million naira concern. She has men, her father’s age, calling her Madam and women, more beautiful than her, scrambling for her attention and approval. She is a force you can’t ignore in her industry.

Though many women wish they were in her shoes but her life is not all the colours of the rainbow that we all see. She is married with children and the last line of her profile reads like that of most women in her shoes: she is happily married with children.

Hmm, not totally true. Not totally false. Married with children yes but the happy part? Not always. But come to think of it, which marriage is happy all the time? Some days you are happy, others you just wish you’d married someone else. And there are those days you want to shoot him, even if it’s in the leg or with rubber bullets. Not a biggie. Nobody should go into marriage hoping to be happy every single second.

Happily ever after I think is a concoction from Denise Robins’ romance kitchen. Oh, all those romance novels we read and believed! Yours sincerely read so many Mills and Boons I actually believed all the purple prose about tall rich, dark and handsome romantic man myth. If you are a fan of M&B, you’ll remember all the favourite authors now: Carole Mortimer, Anne Mather, Penny Jordan. Are you smiling? I am.

The things those writers filled our heads with. Come back to the present, into the life of the lady boss and the man she married. Welcome to the life of the successful career married woman. And the fine-boy-no-pimples guy she married.

Hear her husband.

‘These days I’m not sure if I’m married or not because my wife is married to her job. I virtually have to book appointments to see her. Sex is no longer spontaneous. It’s like there is a roster somewhere for making love to my own wife o. For instance, Mondays are totally not sex days. Fridays are not either. Saturday mornings, she wants to sleep so I cannot check out my property. And the week before a board of directors meeting is worse.

She falls asleep surrounded by laptop, I-pad, tons of files, her glasses still perched on the bridge of her nose. I can’t even sneak a touchy-feel. We have a full compliments of kitchen staff now complete with chef who spices every dish to high heavens.

But nobody makes vegetable soup like my wife. I miss the aroma of her ‘akara’ waking me up on Saturday mornings. Now, if two of the reasons you married your wife is the great sex and her cooking prowess, what do you do when she becomes a big girl, with a ninedigit salary, who neither cooks nor satisfies you in bed? Is someone going to blame me if I start getting some on the side?’ Now, why do I get this strong feeling that bros is already doing full-scale extracurricular activities? You see, when a man threatens to take a second wife, 60 per cent of the time, he has already taken one.

He’s just looking for an opportunity to bring her in. So, when the husband of the lady boss reels out a long list of his reasons why he deserves a girlfriend, hmmn, I can bet my leave allowance that he is already getting thoroughly serviced by one impressionable undergraduate or even his secretary. All the same, let’s consider his complaint sheet without imagining him in a nonmissionary position with his secretary.

I truly sympathise with men married to career women especially the one who have risen to the top of the ladder. They are rare breeds and even bigger boys than their big-girl-wives. To marry a big babe doesn’t take much, which is why a lot of men marry them in the first place. It is glamorous and men these days consciously seek out the big babes. Check out the wedding invitation cards you currently have and the weddings you had attended in the last six months.

You will find the brides are bankers, doctors, even entrepreneurs. Guys suddenly prefer the already made girls, not just the ones who come from old money or who are daughters of politicians. Many times, I must admit, the unemployed girls don’t get as many proposals as the career girls.

But somehow, after marriage and as the years go by, the husband of the lady boss starts complaining and one wonders why. Could it be that he couldn’t see beyond his happy nose of long ago? I mean, a 29-yearold bride doing well in a bank will eventually grow into a General Manager and that post certainly won’t come with hours or responsibilities. As the perks increase, so will the meetings and official trips and dinners and meeting with clients. Most men just generally assume that if their fine wives have dinner with a rich client, the rich client will have their wives for dinner. And we all know what those kinds of thoughts do to men’s heads. Poor folks.

They just aren’t ever prepared for the brighter years and that’s when the complaints start. Men are not like women in any way, are they? When a woman marries a poor man and he becomes rich, we just slide smoothly, effortlessly into the role of the wife of a big boy.

We move from buying second hand dresses to designer ones. We move from cheap costume jewellery to dainty gold and even diamonds. We learn the movements and adapt to new neighbourhoods. We even learn new ways to monitor our men’s movements. But a man is not really wired to tag along.

Yet, since sh*t happens and this is a new world, the husband of the lady boss just must adapt. It’s just the way the cookies crumble. And the best way to adapt is to own both the assets and liabilities.

Now, the lady boss needs to do a lot of work to keep her man, her home and her marriage. Yes, she can’t do ‘efo riro’ and ‘akara’ as often as bros wants, but she must make out time to cook her husband’s favourite dishes as often as she can.

Dear, just get the kitchen staff to lay out the ingredients. Next step: get into your hottest pants or shorts and make sure bros is around to watch you sweat it out making his vegetable soup. Roll all your assets as you move up and down.

Let him gasp. Let him drool but you don’t have to give it all up that night. This is just the cooking phase. The other department you must man with all your strength is the bedroom. You cannot allow those little girls outdo you in the territory where you have more cognate experience. Deploy those assets and give him the service of his life. If he’s one of those guys who likes to hang out with his friends on Fridays, Thursday night is your execution date. Show him undiluted service.

Shake him up. Make him pant. Make him beg. Take him to the seventh heaven and let him ride back on your back, sweating. Even if he does not cancel his date with the boys, you are almost sure he can’t deliver the goods with girls. Right? Give him something to think about all day. Let him doze at his desk. Let him look forward to a next time. Beg him to make out time to accompany you on official trips once in a while.

Take him far from the madding crowd and give him the treat of his life. Swim at night together if you do and …well, I can’t say everything here. Even when you are tired, you know great sex is great exercise and you need to work out, don’t you? See? It’s a win-win situation. No matter how hard you work at work, you must protect the territorial integrity of your marriage.

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Adam's Apple

Are the men still clapping?

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Why do I always make men look like monsters and women like saints? Is that what I always do? So many men are angry with me. Women are mean, ask Adam. I know. There are bad women. And there are good guys too. But as a woman, sometimes you can’t blame me if I see things just like that, as a woman, I mean. I’m sure we have been at this for a while now, doing the back and forth on who is badder, the guy or the girl.

When we swig stories, haven’t we discovered that bloody noses are a common denominator in relationships? Yeah. Women are bad. Girls are badder. That is one thing we can agree on but let me not bore you with what you already know or anger you more with what you are already angry about.

Today, I’m not really going to hit the men, ahem, at least not like that. Let’s just say I want to draw their attention to some obvious facts they daily ignore. Now, I must confess that this piece was triggered by a text message joke I received from a co-conspirator. Here goes; Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.

There were 10 men and a woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all. So they decided that one of them had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to agree on who that person would be. Until the woman among them gave a touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general. She said she was used to always making sacrifices and getting little or nothing in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping… All the men, of course, dropped to their untimely deaths and she flew away alone in the chopper. Well, what can a woman do? That is the power of a woman, the brand only smart men recognize and acknowledge. If there had been at least one of those 10 excitable men who could see beyond that woman’s ‘moving’ speech, he would be alive today.

But don’t we all know that men don’t do much thinking when they see women they want? In my mind’s eyes, I could see the woman in that joke wearing a very short skirt, no bra and a top with a plunging neckline.

How do you reason with a man drooling over ample cleavage? If you scream ‘Praise the Lord’, he won’t shout Halleluyah because he is far away in la-la land. The woman in that joke, I’m sure, also had smooth skin, probably fair skin. All 10 men simply threw their thinking caps in the air or how else do you explain why they all forgot that they did not have third hands and that once they started clapping they were going to drop to their deaths? That is exactly my point.

A smart woman can make a man do whatever she wants him to do. We are that powerful. Oh, don’t even try to disprove it. Just save your energy for the next time a woman is delivering a speech and you need all your wits about you to hang on to life instead of clapping your way into an early grave.

Of course, I’m the first to admit that there is something comforting about the sight of a woman. We were created like that. Every woman has the right gadgets to comfort a man, make him feel safe, give him life.

That is the reason baby boys suck breasts more fervently than baby girls and when you wean him off the breasts at 12 months, what does he do? As soon as he is old enough to recognise that there are other breasts apart from mummy’s own, he goes breast-hunting. Poor men, you can’t wean them off breasts.

They need to be regularly nourished. Who’s complaining? Don’t forget that this piece is about alerting men to the dangers of their bad wild ways on the one hand and the powers of a woman on the other. No man should delude himself that his woman is powerless.

If you doubt my sermon, ask yourself how much you spend on your daughter and compare it with how much your sons cost. Even your little tyke is twisting you round her pink fingers. A smart man works all day, sits on his butt for eight-straight hours trying to seal a deal.

He finally gets it in the can, tired but happy. He drives home and sights these half-clad daughters of Eve along the road and stops to give one a ride. He convinces himself he’s celebrating his new deal. Before you know it, he is expending more energy and spending money that is not yet in the bank.

I see my sisters who have not much to show in terms of source of income living in posh apartments in choice areas of town and driving wonder-on-wheels. Who’s paying? Men who are clapping when they should be holding on firmly to the rope. Well, the girls are having fun and the men are not complaining.

I just feel like warning them today. Men should stop thinking that it’s a man’s world. Please, it’s women’s device to keep you clapping. It suits even me to convince men that it’s their world. But it isn’t.

My brother summed up this whole clapping-when-you-shouldn’t business when he said ‘men are forever prostrating for their women when the women are not riding them.’ I’m still trying to decode that one. Are the men still clapping?

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