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Do we give our kids too much praise?

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Praise is a good thing and we mums are good at giving loads of it to our kids. How do we know when to hold back a bit? I found this piece from jw.org tilted, ‘How to Praise Children’ it shares some useful ideas on how we can praise our children without overdoing it.
‘Some people say that it is impossible to give your child too much praise. Others claim that constant praise will spoil your child and make him feel entitled, as if the world owed him something.
Besides how much you praise your child, you also have to consider the kind of praise you offer. Which type will encourage your child? Which type might hinder him? How can you offer praise that will have the best outcome?
Too much praise can be harmful. Some parents dole out undeserved praise in an attempt to boost their children’s self-esteem. But young ones “are smart enough to see through the exaggeration and conclude that you do not really mean what you say,” warns Dr. David Walsh. “They know that they did not deserve [the praise] and may conclude that they cannot trust you.”
Praise based on ability is better. Suppose your daughter has a knack for drawing. Naturally, you want to praise her for this, which will motivate her to hone her skill even more. But there can be a drawback. Praise focused on talent alone could cause your child to think that the only skills worth pursuing are those that come easily. She may even shy away from new challenges, fearing that she will fail. ‘If something takes effort,’ she reasons, ‘I must not be cut out for it—so why try?’
Effort-based praise is best. Children who are praised for their hard work and perseverance rather than simply for their talents come to realize a vital truth—that acquiring skill requires patience and effort. Knowing that, “they put in the work needed to achieve the desired result,” says the book, Letting Go With Love and Confidence. “Even when they come up short, they don’t view themselves as failures, but as learners.”
Praise effort, not just talent. Telling your child, “I can see that you put a lot of thought into your drawing,” may do more good than saying, “You’re a natural artist.” Both statements offer praise, but the second one could unwittingly imply that inborn skills are the only ones your child will be good at.
When you praise effort, you teach your child that ability can improve with practice. Your child might then take on new challenges more confidently.
Help your child deal with failure. Even good people make mistakes, perhaps repeatedly. But after each misstep, they get up, learn from the experience, and move on. How can you help your child to cultivate that positive approach?
Again, focus on effort. Example: Suppose you often tell your daughter, “You’re a natural at math,” but then she fails a math test. She might conclude that she has lost her knack, so why try to improve?
When you focus on effort, however, you foster resilience. You help your daughter to view a setback as just that, and not as a disaster. So rather than give up, she may try another approach or simply work harder.
When given in the right manner, negative feedback will help a child, not crush his spirit. Also, if you regularly give appropriate praise, likely your child will welcome feedback on how he can further improve. Then his achievements will become a source of satisfaction both to him and to you.’

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Mum & Parenting

Blame legal system for increase on rape cases – Dr. Somefun

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The adolescent Sexual and reproductive health officer of UNFPA, Dr. Esther Somefun has given reason why there are many rape cases in Nigeria. She said it is largely due to the legal system that does not reprimand the perpetrators of rape cases or other sexual abuses in Nigeria.

She declared this at the launch of 2000 young girls as participants in the adolescent health project for girls organised by the Youth Empowerment and Development Initiative(YEDI), funded by the German government‘s Federal Ministry Economic Cooperation and Development held in Lagos.

The adolescent health project tagged; BMZ Skillz Girls project, strictly for young girls between the ages of 13 and 19. She explained that the reason for rape cases in Nigeria was,“because we have legal system that does not reprimand the perpetrators of rape cases or abuse. Even when they are reprimanded, the punishment is so mild that they buy themselves out.

We have individuals who do not respect their fellow human rights coupled with cultural issues where, if a woman is rapedit is brushed aside or if a girl is raped, gets brushed aside.”

On the collaboration between UNFPA and YEDI, she said, for them in UNFPA, they have worked with YEDI and YEDI’s support for ‘Hello Lagos’ centres. They are centres which provide comprehensive health, friendly services.

“These centres at different places where young people have access to information with all accurate information, on their health, sexual reproductive health unit. If they are not feeling well, they can have access to healthcarefacility and if thereistheneed for referrals, we do provide that,” shesaid. Somefun explained further that it also has to do with societal values and self-esteem.

“Example is the abuse of Codeine that is going around town. It has become an easy drug for youths to take and feel high. So, the fact is that they have easy access to drugs, and their self-esteem is on the high and at this age range young people tend to want to feel high, feel good and they believe that by feeling good and feeling high, you need to use something to enhance your feeling good, but knowing that you can feel good with so many other things, go out with friends watch movies, you don’t have to take drug to enhance your self-esteem.”

She however commended the regulatory agencies, “I will still go back to say that it is because our regulatory agency are trying, but they need to do more because if you go to other countries or other African countries, you can’t just walk into a medicine store and get medication freely. She explained that there must be need for the patient to have a prescription.

“Although, we know that young people have their own issues, if you have a system that is porous that allows easy access in drugs on those that should not have the drugs, it is called why drugs, why use, why prescriber?” Obviously, the country is having people who should not be holding such drugs in their hands without prescription to use it.

On her admonition to youths, “As a young man you don’t have to rape to feel good. Remember that that other person has a right and by raping does not improve your ego or does not make you a man. It only makes you a coward,” Dr. Somefun said. Psychologically, she explained that the youth could be traumatised trauma especially holding onto the pains.

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Mum & Parenting

Between discipline and abuse in marriage

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Some have said it is necessary for the husband to discipline his wife as a show of love and care just as a parent would do to an erring child. Some have even come up with Bible verses to back up this claim. But then, who disciplines the man when he errs. Or doesn’t he err at one time or the other?

I came across an article on VirginiasSecret- Garden at mattforney.com where a woman shared her perspective and personal experience on wife discipline.

The following are excerpts from the article and responses from readers: “A lot of people think the Christian Domestic Discipline lifestyle is abusive. Going by what the mainstream media says, I’m actually a Stepford wife who lives in fear of her husband.

Somebody save me! But the reality is that husbands absolutely must assert dominance over their wives in order to have a happy marriage. When my husband spanks me for upsetting him in some way, he’s not just reaffirming his status as my master and the head of the household, he’s satisfying a primal urge in me, letting me know that he cares.

It’s been shown time and time again that neglected children will act out and deliberately break the rules in order to get their parents to pay attention to them…

We women are the same way; when our husbands and boyfriends ignore us, we’ll do something to annoy them just to get their attention. We ladies can reign in this behavior on our own somewhat, but we need the guiding hand of a man to suppress it completely. It’s the nature of Eve’s sin: we women are inclined to rebel against earthly authority, to the detriment of ourselves and our husbands.

Because feminists have obscured this fundamental reality, neither men nor women can effectively deal with womens’ rebellious nature. Modern marriages follow this typical pattern: Wife acts up in an attempt to get her husband to bring her under control. Husband ignores wife, either because he doesn’t know he needs to discipline her or he’s afraid of the legal consequences of doing so.

Wife becomes contemptuous of her husband for not putting her in her place and starts acting up even more. Husband continues to ignore wife, creating a downward spiral where sex drops off, arguments flare up, and both sides are increasingly miserable.

Wife files for divorce because she is not haaapppy. When women and children misbehave, they are not just looking for punishment but looking for absolution.

Assuming they’re not psychopaths, they know what they’re doing is wrong; they want an authority figure (husband or parent) to tell them they’ve been bad, punish them for it, and then forgive them afterwards.

This cycle of misbehavior, punishment and forgiveness scratches an inch deep within the female psyche, letting us know that we’re being looked out for.

Now, I’m not saying that you should encourage your husband to give you a shiner. There’s a right way and a wrong way to be disciplined. But our inherently sinful and defiant nature means that our husbands have to discipline us to keep us happy. I hate getting spanked. When my husband calls me into our bedroom and tells me to pull my skirt down, I feel dread.

I hate having a sore butt and I hate being driven into a crying fit. My husband has told me over and over again that he hates spanking me too, because seeing me crying and in pain breaks his heart.

But despite the suffering and tears, I’m grateful that my husband corrects my misbehavior. When he gets finished paddling me and holds me afterwards, I feel a deep satisfaction in knowing that he loves me enough to protect me from myself.”

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Mum & Parenting

Why are women so good at putting off happiness?

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You woke up really excited, it’s your special day. Your husband says good bye as he rushes through the door, he’s running late for work. You can’t believe he didn’t even wish you a happy birthday! Well, maybe he has a surprise for you… throughout the day… no call, no Whatsapp message, no post on Facebook, on his profile is still Arsenal logo …mmmhhh!

He comes home in the evening in a hurry to catch up with the live football match on Super Sports, and screaming all through. And you’re sitting there, boiling and ready to explode.

You are so mad you are going to be ‘unhappy’ the rest of the week, maybe month! That is just one of the many things our husbands do that make us feel bad, also stuffs like dropping dirty socks around the corner instead of the laundry basket, snoring while we stay awake rocking whining babies who have no plans whatsoever to fall asleep. Then the kids bring a whole new dimension to our frustration…

let’s not even talk about in-laws who come ‘visiting’ and never ever want to leave. Everything seems orchestrated to make sure we are NEVER happy. Our response: We put off our happiness for the time (whenever that is) when everyone will stop being such a pain, and just get their acts together! Little wonder we are often so miserable. I would like to share a piece of advice from a fellow mum, courtesy P31.org: We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are.

After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with…and remember that time waits for no one. So, stop waiting….

until your car or home is paid off until you get a new car or home until your kids leave the house until you go back to school until you finish school until you lose 10 lbs. until you gain 10 lbs.

until you get married
until you have kids
until you retire
until summer
until spring
until winter
until fall
until you die
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. “…Happiness, sought by many and found by few, is matter entirely within ourselves. Your environment and the everyday happenings of life have absolutely no effect on your happiness except as you permit…Happiness is wholly independent of position, wealth or material possessions. It is a state of mind which we ourselves have the power to control – and that control lies with our thinking.” – Claude Bristol Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy anyway!

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