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Lessons for kids from divorced family

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Theresa Ajewole, educationist, counsellor and mother of four, definitely did advocate for couples to divorce or give up easily at the slightest sound of argument or differences. In a chat with ELIZABETH OGUNBAMOWO, she emphatically told New Telegraph that sometimes divorce is unavoidable. And when it happens, it might not necessarily have negative impacts on the children

 

 

According to her, there are actually lessons one can learn from the consequence of such decisions. “I have a friend who was in such situation, it affected her two children but it took much effort for them to adjust. Indeed, no one would doubt the negatives side of divorce for any family or individual, but it sure has the positives side which peop le often overlook when they’re busy talking about how bad divorce can be. I think in every “bad” situation, there are gains.”
She however stated that this does not serve as an excuse for people to give up on their marriages and refuse to work on it. Mrs. Ajewole however retained that there are a few positive things kids gain from divorce.
However, Ajewole highlighted the following points as lessons that could be learnt from divorce:

Try to find happiness
If a couple are so miserable that they cannot make it work and decide to part on good terms in order to live happy authentic lives, children of divorce learn an immeasurably good life lesson. Happiness isn’t something that happens to you — you choose it. And when things aren’t so peachy, you can find a way to make things better for yourself, because you value your sanity and quality of life.
Kids see that their parents decided to turn things upside down (which stinks) but for the main goal of achieving happiness and peace for both themselves and their kids. Too many people sit around in negative situations out of learned helplessness or perhaps poor choices and situations.
When a kid sees two adults decide to make a life that is full of joy rather than misery, it is empowering later on down the line. It shows kids that you do not have to stay indebted to your unhappiness. There are options and choices!

Sacrifice
Some people exit marriage comfortably, but many of us do not. This is one of the hardest parts of divorce — the financial downfall. For me, it is scary to know that I will be evicted from my house right as the school year ends. Suddenly, we will be somewhere new (who knows where yet!) and getting adjusted to a whole life outside of this past year adjusting to being a divorced family. Kids of divorce often have parents working many jobs, as well as cutting down on extras like activities, vacations, and other non-necessities.
It teaches children the art of a dollar and what’s important; and no! it’s not toys and trips to Disneyland. It’s putting a roof over your head, surrounding yourself with people you love, and living a genuine life you want. The art of hard work and tough choices is one that your children will absorb simply by living it. Don’t be surprised if your child/children of divorce end up being hard workers and appreciative of what they work for later on.

Cooperation
Unfortunately, not all divorced parents are divorced from sane and kind individuals. With that said, though, many of us are dealing with sane co-parents. For the fortunate children in this situation, these kids learn how two people manage to cooperate despite differences.
Parents of divorce are often negotiating, learning how to approach the co-parent (or when not to), sharing the workload, picking the right battles, and managing two homes. The little ones of divorce learn not only how pivotal cooperation is out in the real world, but they also learn how to utilize these important skills.

Flexibility
Kids learn to be flexible or at least learn the importance of flexibility. More often than not, children don’t have a say in their custodial schedules, homes, and new stepparents and partners.
Children of divorce learn early on that it’s crucial to adjust to new situations and sometimes, go with the flow if you can’t do anything else. Life will throw you curveballs constantly, and when a person is rigid, he or she will struggle more trying to adapt. A child that learns the art of when and how to be flexible is a child that would grow into a confident and happily socialized adult who is ready for the real world.

Sometimes people disappoint us
What about if a child has a “deadbeat parent?” It’s not a “sunshine and kittens” situation obviously, but kids learn that sometimes even adults or people you’re supposed to trust can let you down and shouldn’t always be trusted, that people are flawed, and that we should appreciate the people who are there for us instead of mourning the ones who are not.
It’s a sad lesson that no child should learn, but it’s not a bad one to have in your tool belt as a person, since every single one of us will be let down by someone we love at some point in time. It does become problematic if a child grows up viewing all romantic partnerships as failures or has issues trusting adults and authority.

Not always a successful conclusion
I struggle with this one. I wish for my daughter that her family could have had the fairy-tale ending, but is it all woe and grief? No.
She learns that sometimes things do not work out, and that’s not always a bad thing! Not everything is meant to be forever, and sometimes we choose people or things for our lives that we should not have chosen to begin with.
Stuff happens, and we don’t always ride off into the sunset, but that doesn’t mean that our lives are set to fade to black at that moment of grief. An ending means a new beginning is coming, and perhaps this new beginning will bring you back to where you were supposed to be in the first place.
Divorce doesn’t have to be a killer. It’s not moonbeams and rainbows initially, but maybe you need to hurt a little in order to grow as a person and find that happiness you’re looking for. A better life waits ahead. Go and get it!

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Mum & Parenting

Blame legal system for increase on rape cases – Dr. Somefun

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The adolescent Sexual and reproductive health officer of UNFPA, Dr. Esther Somefun has given reason why there are many rape cases in Nigeria. She said it is largely due to the legal system that does not reprimand the perpetrators of rape cases or other sexual abuses in Nigeria.

She declared this at the launch of 2000 young girls as participants in the adolescent health project for girls organised by the Youth Empowerment and Development Initiative(YEDI), funded by the German government‘s Federal Ministry Economic Cooperation and Development held in Lagos.

The adolescent health project tagged; BMZ Skillz Girls project, strictly for young girls between the ages of 13 and 19. She explained that the reason for rape cases in Nigeria was,“because we have legal system that does not reprimand the perpetrators of rape cases or abuse. Even when they are reprimanded, the punishment is so mild that they buy themselves out.

We have individuals who do not respect their fellow human rights coupled with cultural issues where, if a woman is rapedit is brushed aside or if a girl is raped, gets brushed aside.”

On the collaboration between UNFPA and YEDI, she said, for them in UNFPA, they have worked with YEDI and YEDI’s support for ‘Hello Lagos’ centres. They are centres which provide comprehensive health, friendly services.

“These centres at different places where young people have access to information with all accurate information, on their health, sexual reproductive health unit. If they are not feeling well, they can have access to healthcarefacility and if thereistheneed for referrals, we do provide that,” shesaid. Somefun explained further that it also has to do with societal values and self-esteem.

“Example is the abuse of Codeine that is going around town. It has become an easy drug for youths to take and feel high. So, the fact is that they have easy access to drugs, and their self-esteem is on the high and at this age range young people tend to want to feel high, feel good and they believe that by feeling good and feeling high, you need to use something to enhance your feeling good, but knowing that you can feel good with so many other things, go out with friends watch movies, you don’t have to take drug to enhance your self-esteem.”

She however commended the regulatory agencies, “I will still go back to say that it is because our regulatory agency are trying, but they need to do more because if you go to other countries or other African countries, you can’t just walk into a medicine store and get medication freely. She explained that there must be need for the patient to have a prescription.

“Although, we know that young people have their own issues, if you have a system that is porous that allows easy access in drugs on those that should not have the drugs, it is called why drugs, why use, why prescriber?” Obviously, the country is having people who should not be holding such drugs in their hands without prescription to use it.

On her admonition to youths, “As a young man you don’t have to rape to feel good. Remember that that other person has a right and by raping does not improve your ego or does not make you a man. It only makes you a coward,” Dr. Somefun said. Psychologically, she explained that the youth could be traumatised trauma especially holding onto the pains.

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Mum & Parenting

Between discipline and abuse in marriage

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Some have said it is necessary for the husband to discipline his wife as a show of love and care just as a parent would do to an erring child. Some have even come up with Bible verses to back up this claim. But then, who disciplines the man when he errs. Or doesn’t he err at one time or the other?

I came across an article on VirginiasSecret- Garden at mattforney.com where a woman shared her perspective and personal experience on wife discipline.

The following are excerpts from the article and responses from readers: “A lot of people think the Christian Domestic Discipline lifestyle is abusive. Going by what the mainstream media says, I’m actually a Stepford wife who lives in fear of her husband.

Somebody save me! But the reality is that husbands absolutely must assert dominance over their wives in order to have a happy marriage. When my husband spanks me for upsetting him in some way, he’s not just reaffirming his status as my master and the head of the household, he’s satisfying a primal urge in me, letting me know that he cares.

It’s been shown time and time again that neglected children will act out and deliberately break the rules in order to get their parents to pay attention to them…

We women are the same way; when our husbands and boyfriends ignore us, we’ll do something to annoy them just to get their attention. We ladies can reign in this behavior on our own somewhat, but we need the guiding hand of a man to suppress it completely. It’s the nature of Eve’s sin: we women are inclined to rebel against earthly authority, to the detriment of ourselves and our husbands.

Because feminists have obscured this fundamental reality, neither men nor women can effectively deal with womens’ rebellious nature. Modern marriages follow this typical pattern: Wife acts up in an attempt to get her husband to bring her under control. Husband ignores wife, either because he doesn’t know he needs to discipline her or he’s afraid of the legal consequences of doing so.

Wife becomes contemptuous of her husband for not putting her in her place and starts acting up even more. Husband continues to ignore wife, creating a downward spiral where sex drops off, arguments flare up, and both sides are increasingly miserable.

Wife files for divorce because she is not haaapppy. When women and children misbehave, they are not just looking for punishment but looking for absolution.

Assuming they’re not psychopaths, they know what they’re doing is wrong; they want an authority figure (husband or parent) to tell them they’ve been bad, punish them for it, and then forgive them afterwards.

This cycle of misbehavior, punishment and forgiveness scratches an inch deep within the female psyche, letting us know that we’re being looked out for.

Now, I’m not saying that you should encourage your husband to give you a shiner. There’s a right way and a wrong way to be disciplined. But our inherently sinful and defiant nature means that our husbands have to discipline us to keep us happy. I hate getting spanked. When my husband calls me into our bedroom and tells me to pull my skirt down, I feel dread.

I hate having a sore butt and I hate being driven into a crying fit. My husband has told me over and over again that he hates spanking me too, because seeing me crying and in pain breaks his heart.

But despite the suffering and tears, I’m grateful that my husband corrects my misbehavior. When he gets finished paddling me and holds me afterwards, I feel a deep satisfaction in knowing that he loves me enough to protect me from myself.”

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Mum & Parenting

Why are women so good at putting off happiness?

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You woke up really excited, it’s your special day. Your husband says good bye as he rushes through the door, he’s running late for work. You can’t believe he didn’t even wish you a happy birthday! Well, maybe he has a surprise for you… throughout the day… no call, no Whatsapp message, no post on Facebook, on his profile is still Arsenal logo …mmmhhh!

He comes home in the evening in a hurry to catch up with the live football match on Super Sports, and screaming all through. And you’re sitting there, boiling and ready to explode.

You are so mad you are going to be ‘unhappy’ the rest of the week, maybe month! That is just one of the many things our husbands do that make us feel bad, also stuffs like dropping dirty socks around the corner instead of the laundry basket, snoring while we stay awake rocking whining babies who have no plans whatsoever to fall asleep. Then the kids bring a whole new dimension to our frustration…

let’s not even talk about in-laws who come ‘visiting’ and never ever want to leave. Everything seems orchestrated to make sure we are NEVER happy. Our response: We put off our happiness for the time (whenever that is) when everyone will stop being such a pain, and just get their acts together! Little wonder we are often so miserable. I would like to share a piece of advice from a fellow mum, courtesy P31.org: We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are.

After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with…and remember that time waits for no one. So, stop waiting….

until your car or home is paid off until you get a new car or home until your kids leave the house until you go back to school until you finish school until you lose 10 lbs. until you gain 10 lbs.

until you get married
until you have kids
until you retire
until summer
until spring
until winter
until fall
until you die
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. “…Happiness, sought by many and found by few, is matter entirely within ourselves. Your environment and the everyday happenings of life have absolutely no effect on your happiness except as you permit…Happiness is wholly independent of position, wealth or material possessions. It is a state of mind which we ourselves have the power to control – and that control lies with our thinking.” – Claude Bristol Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy anyway!

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