At some point in life, many couples wonder and ask themselves, “What is the average amount of sex that other couples are having?” There is no perfect answer to this but sex therapists have said when couples stop having sex, their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
Couple’s sex life, they said, is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship. According to a study conducted recently with more than 20,000 couples, Dr. David Schnarch, PhD, an international sex therapist, only 26 percent of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!
However, an anonymous married woman sounded strange when she revealed how having sex once in a week keeps the sparkle of her marriage going. Sex once a week is the unwritten and unsaid rule my husband and I have stood by pretty much since the “I’ve gotta have you right now” phase fizzled. And let’s be honest, that fire often dwindles after those first few years of newlywed bliss and comes dangerously close to being put out altogether when you have kids.
But as long as you make an effort, a flame will always be there sometimes small, sometimes big. For my husband and I, that effort happens once a week. And after talking with many of my friends about this unwritten sex rule, it turns out we’re not alone.
After the baby phase, I realized that being intimate with my husband was something that I should make a priority again, not only for him, but for myself. My friends and I have no shame when talking about our sex lives with our partners (something our husbands are well aware of). We talk about it all: what kind of contraception we use (or don’t use), different positions, when we got caught by the kids, and more. But despite our varying sex opinions, we unanimously agree that we try to do it once a week.
We have all come to find that if we let the kids run the house and cannot fit in being laid once a week, it is easy to fall into a rut (which has happened to all of us at some point). My kids are a little older now at 4 and 6, so they are not draining my energy as much as they used to. When they were babies, my husband and I had to schedule sex, romantic, right? But at least we got the job done. Today, our sex life can be much more spontaneous.
If I say, “Let’s turn a cartoon on for the kids,” my husband knows exactly what that means. He runs to grab the remote and chases me into our bedroom. Parents of the year, I know, but we have no shame in our sex game. It is important to me to keep the spice going in our marriage, because when the kids were little, I felt like I never wanted to do it. In addition, trust me, we let weeks go by without any kind of foreplay. I could tell it affected my husband, too.
But women? I have found that many of us are like marathon runners and can go much longer than our partners without sex especially when the kids are young. After changing five blowouts, folding 20 tiny onesies, unloading the dishwasher, and breastfeeding 100 times in a day, who feels like being romanced in the bedroom? I sure as hell didn’t. But after the baby phase, I realized that being intimate with my husband was something that I should make a priority again, not only for him, but for myself.
It took effort to get back to a place where I really enjoyed sex again. So, my husband and I follow our unwritten rule to get it on once a week. We keep track in our heads and never even have to talk about it. With one wink, it’s on.
I hope that my husband and I follow our “sex once a week” rule for as long as we can, because it’s something that helps us keep the spark going in our marriage one that we hope will never go out.
However, Dr. Schnarch argued that having sex less than 10 times a year is reason enough to label your marriage a sexless one. A lack of sex, he said does not mean the marriage is in trouble. “ While sex may be the way couples typically express their love and desire for each other, a lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are headed for a breakup, though it is something that you should get a handle on,” he said.
“But in my experience, when couples stop having sex, their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst,” he added.
• Additional report from popsugar.com
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